Répliques [VO]

Source : Wikiquote & House MD Quotes

Dying Changes Everything (5.01)

Dr. Cuddy: When was the last time you talked to him?
Dr. House: I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. I considered being a horrendous pain in the ass, but I didn't want to step on your turf.

Dr. Foreman: We just got a call from Patty Mishner from Womens majority, the women's rights...
Dr. Cuddy: We know who she is.
Dr. House: I dated her. Well, not really dated her, more metaphorically raped her by having a penis. [To Foreman] You did too.

Thirteen: Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not B12. It's an insulinoma in her pancreas. It's making her hypoglycemic.
Dr. House: Great, now everyone knows.
Dr. Taub: You knew she had cancer?
Dr. House: Is that what she said? I thought she said, "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career even though, in reality, she's just a glorified grunt, because I'm trying to convince myself that it's ok not to have a life because I don't have a life because I was tested for Huntington's and my lifespan's been cut in half."

Dr. House: Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.

House: I'm busy.
Thirteen: We need you to…
House: Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just an euphemism for "get the hell out of here."

Wilson: I just need a change of scenery.
House: Buy a plant!

Chase: You want me to do a second major surgery on a patient we almost lost during a first major surgery to see if she needs a third major surgery?

Dr. House: People die! You, Amber, everyone. Don’t act like you just figured that out. I gave you a diagnosis. You don’t like it. There are exits on every floor.

Thirteen: This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions.

[Cuddy comes to House’s place]
Dr. Cuddy: You mind if I come in?
Dr. House: Not at all. Do you mind if I leave?

[Cuddy heads the team while House is absent]
Dr. Taub: What do you want us to do?
Dr. Cuddy: The same thing you'd do if he was here.
Dr. Taub: If he was here, we’d be asking him what to do.

Wilson: I don't blame you for Amber's death. As much as I've tried to find a way to, I couldn't. But we're not okay. I didn't want to tell you the truth. I'm tired of protecting you and enabling you. We're not friends anymore, House. I don't think we ever were.

[Cuddy forces Wilson and House to discuss their relationship]
Dr. Cuddy: Talk to each other.
Dr. House: [turns to Wilson]... How you doing? Good?
Dr. Wilson: Fine, thanks.
[Both try to leave]
Dr. Cuddy: Ehh-ehh-ehh-ehh! Sit!
[Both return to the sofa]
Dr. Cuddy: See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...
Dr. House: ... think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...
Dr. Cuddy: Talk to him! Tell him how you feel of what he's doing.
Dr. House: I told him he's an idiot.
Dr. Cuddy: Tell him what you think about him leaving.
Dr. House: I think he's an idiot.
Dr. Cuddy: You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!
Dr. House: You told me what your position is on that one. You're against it, right?
Dr. Wilson: She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.
Dr. Cuddy: [referring to Wilson] Go to hell!
Dr. House: So much for that theory.

Wilson: I'd need a flowchart to explain all the ways in which that was ridiculously insensitive.

Not Cancer (5.02)

House: Wanna be my friend?
Lucas: No, you scare me a little.

House: "A moment ago, you thought you were dying. Blind is actually good news."

House: "Which means we have to remove your whole head. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt."

House: "What idiot wears argyle socks with construction boots?"

House: "Tell Foreman to get it: old people are scared of black people."

House: "There's the problem -- he only had half a brain."

House: "Cancer plays the field. Metastasis is just a fancy word for 'screws around.'"

House: "Okay, it is a long shot but it's possible I'm an ass. Ironically, we need to do a colonoscopy to confirm."

House: "You're taking pictures of a guy having an affair with his own sister and you're lecturing me about the rewards of trust?"

House: "Do you have a different rate plan for being a pain in the ass?"

House: "You're a math teacher. I deduced you used to be a blind math teacher."

House: "She's not your type. Your type's much stupider than her."

Adverse Events (5.03)

Dr. Cuddy: How did you know that I liked roses?
PI Lucas : I was in your house last night.

House: "You don't like her shoes, you like her legs."

House: "Not talking fever here, is she all curvy and perky?"

House: "Most idiots don't have that much ambition."

House: "But three unproven, untested drugs, it's like the Mod Squad -- no one can stop them."

House: "Sex can be dismissed as hormonal or emotional and be genuinely regretted. Money is always a calculated decision."

House: "World's-sorest-knees-isil. Cuddy used to have that title by the way."

House: "I know head and heart start with the same three letters, but you've got to read all the way to the end."

House: "That's a symptom of trying to cram hospital food down a throat he can barely get air down."

House: "On the other hand, figured she probably wouldn't figure me as the Photoshopping a photo and planting it in an obscure college paper type either."

Birthmarks (5.04)

House: "Lost track of your speed"? I think that was Hitler's excuse. "Lost track of the Jews".

House: My mom didn't call Cuddy, she called you! I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much.
Wilson: I'm doing this for your mom.
House: I'm not doing this at all. Join me on the dark side!

Wilson: I guess no one gets to choose who their parents are. I'm not sure anymore we even choose who our friends are. [House glances up at him questioningly] I spoke with Cuddy, she hasn't filled my position yet.
House: If you're coming back because you're attracted to the shine of my neediness... [Wilson smiles] ...I'd be okay with that.
Wilson: I'm coming back because you're right. That strange annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died.
House: [gives him a long look] You hungry?
Wilson: '[nods]'
[The two proceed to leave House's office]
House: [pauses] Wilson. [Wilson looks at him] My dad's dead.
Wilson: Yeah. My sympathies.

House: "I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow."

House: "Those Chinese surgeons make beautiful stitches with those tiny little hands."

House: "Eulogy, derived from the Greek for 'good word.' Now if she'd asked me to deliver a bastardogy, I'd be happy to."

House: "Make it fast; I don't want to miss the anal cavity search."

House: "I'm a doctor; when someone tries to call you three times, it's code for pick up the damn phone before someone dies."

House: "It was a boring convention. I needed somebody to drink with."

House: "Forget Louisiana -- the man was driving recklessly through your comatose village. Do they put lead in the jelly donuts here?"

House: "All the neighbors were doing it. Keeping up with the Chenses."

House: "Let her vomit through the MRI, that's what nurses are for."

House: "Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby."

House: "Shockingly, not all religious leaders are honest. But I'm guessing these particular monks are bilking the faithful by sticking a magnet up Buddha's butt."

House: "Are you kidding? She's lucky. We're all screwed up by our parents, but she's got documentation."


Lucky Thirteen (5.05)

House: Thirteen, go stick a needle into your girlfriend's pelvis; and, no, that one wasn't a metaphor. Suck out some marrow; that one was.

House: You're fired.
Thirteen: What? You just defended me!
House: No, I just prevented you from taking a drug test. Probably saved your career. I'm already responsible for one doctor with a drug habit. [takes a Vicodin pill]
Thirteen: I don't have a drug habit!
House: The slutty party girl is fun till she pukes on your shoes. Then she's just a pain in the ass.

Lucas: What does that even mean, 'dating a hooker'?
House: He's an idiot with a messiah complex. Savior to all who need saving. That's why his first wife had a wooden leg, second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved.
Lucas: From you or the ho?
House: The ho's just using him for his money. [pauses] Wait, bad example.
Lucas: Normally in situations, I'd follow the girl, find something embarrassing to show him. But since that's our starting position...

Foreman: Do you think I'm boring?
Chase: Yes.
Foreman: You're saying that just to screw with me.
Chase: Yeah! Why would you expect anything else?
Foreman: I expect House to pull my strings, I expect Cameron to make me feel better, I expect the new team to kiss my ass, and I expect you to be honest, 'cause you don't give a crap.
Chase: [thinks for a moment] Yes. You're boring. That speech was boring.
Foreman: [sarcastic] Thanks so much.
Chase: You don't let other people's problems affect you. You don't let your own problems affect you, and it's the screw-ups that make us interesting. You're never out of control, which is good... and boring. Never losing control means you're never putting yourself out there, never pushing your limits. On the other hand, you do have a tattoo, so maybe I'm wrong.

House: Another life saved by girl-on-girl action.

House: You're just mad because the whole time she was doing you, she was thinking about my big...throbbing...diagnostic skills.
House: "Oh yeah! Penthouse Forum meets medical mystery, maybe there is a god."

House: "What about me speeding away says to you: 'let's chat?"

House: "Oh my goodness, I played a practical joke on my best friend and he's badly injured, if only I'd learned this valuable lesson earlier."

House: "Empty, transient sex? I've been waiting for you to spin out of control ever since you got your Huntington's diagnosis, but this is more than I dared hope for."

House: "Is he in this room? Because if he's not, I don't care what he thinks -- unless he's a she and she was there last night too in which case I care deeply."

House: "Of course, I'm a very permissive, understanding chaperone. So feel free to ignore me, especially if you feel like kissing or groping or showering or..."

House: "I'm just not sure if he's working for Hirohito or the New England Patriots."

House: "You're just upset that the whole time she was with you, she was thinking about my huge, throbbing diagnostic skills."

House: "People interest me. Conversations don't."

House: "Maybe he was doing something he thinks I'll mock him for. Like... just about anything."

House: "Eight units in this building; gotta be a pervert like me living in at least one of 'em."

House: "Haven't sat on this couch in four months. It still remembers my cheeks."

House: "He's an idiot with a Messiah complex, savior to all who need saving; it's why his first wife had a wooden leg, it's why his second wife was Canadian. He's the one who needs to be saved."

House: "Does the word 'fired' have a whole other definition that I'm not aware of?"

House: "You had no choice; where do you go after fake hooker girlfriend?"

House: "Oh my god, you invoked your dead girlfriend's name to sell me. You're my hero."

House: "It was either this or put on 'Brian's Song,' but I didn't have time to stop by Wilson's."

House: "It's like you and men. Just because you usually don't doesn't mean you can't."

House: "Another life saved by girl on girl action."

House: "Best nipples in Princeton."

Joy (5.06)

[House watches as Cuddy is holding the newborn baby]
House: Be prepared to tell her the words she's going to hear for the rest of her life: "Mommy has to go to work now."

Cuddy: "It's really not the greatest time for gloating."
House: "There's more than one baby in the sea. The world is full of teenaged boys riding bareback."
Cuddy: "No, I'm done. I can't go through that again."
House: "You're quitting, just like you quit IVF."
Cuddy: "Yeah, just like that."
House: "There, you just said it again. That's too bad. You would have made a great mother."
Cuddy: "You son of a bitch. When I was getting a baby, you told me I would suck as a mother. Now that I've lost it, you tell me I'd be great as a mother. Why do you NEED to negate EVERYTHING!?"
House: "I don't know."

House: "What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting."

House: "I'm sure she'll be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor."

House: "They've explained the return policy, right? It's worse than video games."

House: "It's good news. The great news is she insists there's no way she's gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she shouldn't be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind, the only question is when."

House: "Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White."

House: "Looks like the kid thing's working out great for you: all of the shopping, none of the stretch marks."

House: "There's no unconditional love, only unconditional need. Don't make a child a victim of your biological clock."

House: "Wow, can you remove spleens with your mind, too?"

House: "Judgments are never made in a vacuum."

House: "Everybody's happy until they unwrap the pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa."

House: "What we thought was either weirdness or maturity in the kid was just blandness."

House: "Just because you can't feel pleasure doesn't mean you don't want it."

House: "Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you're at the sweating blood stage."

House: "But hey, there's more than one baby in the sea. World's full of teenage boys riding bareback."

The Itch (5.07)

House: Go away.
Wilson: [Sighs] Did you speak to Cuddy last night?
House: She’s fine. Why would it take anyone more than a few hours to get over misplacing a baby?
Wilson: You spoke to her?
House: Kinda hit that, so she’s all on my jock.
Wilson: Whoa. Wha… What?
House: Huh. Everyone else thought I was kidding.
Wilson: [Looking very confused] You… hit? Like making out? Or full-on sex? Or…
House: I’ve got a chart laid out with all the bases. I’ll take you through it.
Wilson: Whu… well, what are you going to do?
House: What can I do? I’m going to ignore her for the rest of my life. This mosquito bite kept me awake.
Wilson: Don’t care about the bug bite. She’s your boss.
House: So now I have two reasons to ignore her. [Pauses] It was just a kiss.
Wilson: There’s a reason…
House: [Interrupting] Yes, those large things in her bra.
Wilson: … you were hiding it from me. Means it meant something to you.
House: Yeah. I fiendishly concealed it within the phrase “I hit that”
Wilson: Stop scratching, you’ll draw blood.
House: Finally. You’ve said something useful. I should actually break the skin and let the poison out.
[House gets up from the chair and moves towards his desk. His cellphone rings.]
Wilson: If you dated Cuddy, there would…
[House answers his phone and interrupts Wilson]
House: Sorry, I get better reception when you’re not here.

Wilson: How you doing?
Cuddy: Better.
Wilson: Great. Everything else good?
Cuddy: Uh, everything involving me kissing House is good. Oh god, you dragged it out of me, you’re a genius. [Wilson looks around] It’s no big deal. I was feeling vulnerable. He’s a friend. And I leaned on him.
Wilson: It’s funny. I’ve leaned on friends in the past. Never leaned so far my tongue fell into their mouths.
Cuddy: I don’t think of House that way. I never have.
Wilson: Why not?
Cuddy: Well, you know exactly how it would go. It would start off exciting and we’d get caught up in the novelty and the hostility and the forbiddenness and then we’d realize that the flirty hostility is just hostility and his inability to open up is no longer exciting, it’s just frustrating and then it’s the inevitable blow up and the recriminations and we don’t talk for two months.
Wilson: Yeah. Well, it certainly proves that you’ve never thought about House that way.
Cuddy: I get your point. I will be more careful with my tongue in the future.
Wilson: That’s not my point. Maybe novelty and hostility and forbiddenness doesn’t have to end bad?

Wilson: It’s like the red badge of idiocy.
House: If the confederacy had mosquitoes, we’d all have southern accents and I’d be paying Foreman less.
Wilson: She kicked you off the case. This is what happens when you don’t address it. She acts weird. Things get different.
House: You understand that different implies difference. She’s tossed me a million times before.
Wilson: No. She always chastises you, and you’d always come running to me to complain. So you’re acting different too. You’re scared. You are scared to get involved.
House: How is that scared? It’s rational. Emotionally mature people who work together should not date. Guaranteed breakup, guaranteed ugliness.
Wilson: Any relationship that doesn’t end in a breakup ends in death. Everything falls apart in the end. That’s your worldview. The corollary, which you keep forgetting, is that you have to grab any chance for happiness.
House: Why does this matter so much to you? Cuddy and I are fine. The only person getting worked up here is you.
Wilson: I don’t want you to be fine. I want you to be happy. I think if you dated her…
House: Are you familiar with the adverb vicariously?
Wilson: If I wanted to ask her out…
House: You did ask her out. Last year. Whatever happened there?
Wilson: I don’t know… I wasn’t interested.
House: Wrong. You were interested. But Amber grabbed your genitals first. And now you’re single, and it makes you miserable, ‘cus you think it’s too soon for another relationship, so you’re going to make me miserable. Please, get a girlfriend, or a life, or something. [House walks towards the door] For me.

Wilson: I’m not here to play matchmaker.
Cuddy: Okay.
Wilson: House basically… well, he accused me of being interested in you.
Cuddy: Oh, he’s just trying to change the subject.
Wilson: I know. But I do have… [Pauses] I have always had some feelings for you.
Cuddy: Are you saying you want to date me?
Wilson: No, I… it wouldn’t be fair to House and it’s too soon after Amber.
Cuddy: [Walks towards Wilson] But you thought you should just say it.
Wilson: Yeah. I thought you should know.
Cuddy: Then let’s have dinner tomorrow night.
Wilson: Okay.
Cuddy: Or maybe it’d be better if we just had sex.
Wilson: Pardon me?
Cuddy: In front of House’s office. I mean, I don’t want to take any chances. I assume the point of this is to make him jealous and to make him realize that he does want a relationship with me?
Wilson: Yes. You think it’ll work?
Cuddy: You’re an idiot. Trust me. Everyone will be happier if House and I aren’t dating.


Emancipation (5.08 )

House: "Thank God some of those offshore sweat shop jobs are coming back to America; makes up for the telemarketing work we're losing."

House: "You treated her based on empathetic orphan syndrome -- and almost killed her in the process."

House: "Silent and unhappy is better than vocal and unhelpful."

House: "Yesterday you were all BFF, today you think she's pathological."

House: "Went home without ringing either her metaphorical or literal bell."

House: "I want you to stop thinking that acting inscrutable makes you anything other than annoying."

House: "Just because we call something 'poison,' doesn't mean it's bad for you."

House: "You didn't flinch when you found out a sixteen-year-old who should have her whole life ahead of her doesn't. Means you're here about someone even younger dying even faster."

House: "Pot calling the kettle a pot?"

House: "Our job is to find what's killing patients, not treat them for chronic idiocy."

House: "Tell her the thing about emotional reactions is they're definitionally irrational or... 'stupid.'"

House: "Emotional is immediate; if she went to the rational first, then there was no emotional to process."

House: "You're an idiot. You'd rather die than face your parents because what? You broke their Faberge egg?"

Last Resort (5.09)


Jason: "Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Cuddy."
House: "Well, she's either not here or she's under the desk. Either way, you're going to have to wait outside till I'm finished."
Jason: "Do you know when she'll be back?"
House: "Yes. Which is why I need you to get out and leave me alone."

Jason: "This is my body. This is my life. There’s a truth out there. I’d rather rot in jail knowing than…I can’t handle not knowing."
House: "Yeah."

Jason: "I’ve never been anywhere south of Florida."
House: "You idiot."
Jason: "Florida counts?"
House: "Well not to the supreme court, but it’s warm enough for germs. You’ve been blaming doctors and you can’t even give a halfway decent history."

House: "I need to slap you. For diagnostic purposes. Seriously. If I were jerking you around I’d say that I needed to kick you in the groin."

House: "Good idea. Oh, damn, I left my CT machine in my other pants."

House: "That's a bathroom you're barricading. Might come in handy, especially since you've cleverly decided to take a bunch of sick people hostage."

House: "You really think reenacting 'Dog Day Afternoon' is the best way to get diagnosed? I'm sure you've been waiting several hours in an uncomfortable chair but... you should watch the movie all the way through."

House: "Me, I rarely kidnap people unless I've got a serious health problem."

House: "Right, you just brush your teeth with coffee grounds."

House: "She might be armed, maybe you should have her deliver it shirtless."

House: "First rule of triage: guys with guns go first."

House: "This is a level of risk-taking beyond anonymous girl-on-girl action."

House: "Wow, I would have laid money you had herpes."

House: "If your life's no more important than anyone else's, sign your donor card and kill yourself."

House: "The humiliation? Doctors treating you like a piece of meat? Too many fingers and tubes up your holes? You hate doctors, want to take back control. If so, let me apologize for the fact that you are a piece of meat."

House: "I'm trying to decide which is riskier; taking crazy risks, or taking advice on crazy risks from a crazed risk-taker."

House: "If you're saying you might have screwed this up because of your non-relationship with me, I don't know how I can help you."

Let Them Eat Cake (5.10)

House: [To Cuddy, talking on the phone] Have you seen my balls?
Cuddy: [To person on phone] Can you hold on a second? [Looks at House]
House: My balls. Have you seen my balls? Giant one and the red one...
Cuddy: Your plan isn't going to work.
House: Of course it is. I try to make you miserable, to make you leave; you deny that it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable, so I'll stop making you miserable, and eventually you will leave, citing reasons that had nothing to do with misery...
Cuddy: You're not bothering me.
House: Step 1: complete.
Cuddy: [To person on phone] I'm going to call you from my cell. [Hangs up phone] And then I will come back in here! [To person on cell phone] Hey. Yeah... I just had to explain to him that I had his balls and he's not getting them back. [Walks by House] Excuse me.

House: Forget the bypass. Treat her like a fat girl.
Taub: We treat her like a sixty-year-old Asian man, too? She's not fat.
House: Not on the outside. But on the inside, she's still tons of fun.

Patient: If surgery could somehow make you taller, would you do it?
Taub: Sure, but I wouldn't call a meeting of the Lollipop Guild and tell them they can grow if they work real hard at it.

Kutner: What's Cuddy doing in your office?
House: Other than throwing off the feng shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?
Cuddy: These walls aren't sound proof.
House: I'm well aware.


House: "No point, I'm in an elevator. Can't run away."

House: "Pronoun confusion. Starts kicking in when you pass child bearing age."

House: "Other than throwing off the Feng Shui with her ass that faces all eight sides of the bagua at once?"

House: "Wow. Muscles and curves. My penis is so confused."

House: "Can someone please stop back seat differential-ating?"

House: "Everyone in this room knows exactly how this will play out. I try to make you miserable to make you leave. You deny it's making you miserable and try to make me miserable so I'll stop trying to make you miserable. And eventually you will leave, citing reasons that have nothing to do with misery."

House: "I'm doing my famous impression of Socrates. Think I really nailed the accent."

House: "Knew your ass was huge, didn't know it was also toxic."

House: "For evil to succeed, all it takes is for good men to do nothing."

House: "Is that fun for you? Analyzing everyone else's fun away?"

House: "If her brain's slowly turning into Swiss Cheese, not a whole lot we can do..."

House: "You're not stopping me for medical reasons. You're stopping me because you have the hots for me."

House: "Why are you dressed like that? Why are you trying so hard to get my attention?"

Joy To The World (5.11)

Patient: I'm a virgin, so is my fiancé.
House: I believe him.
Patient: Are there other ways I could get pregnant? Like...sitting on a toilet seat?
House: Absolutely. There would need to be a guy sitting between you and a toilet seat, but yes, absolutely. [Before walking out] I was doing so well...

House: "It's almost like you have a sexual interest in someone here. Like, say... Taub?"

House: "And depending where this school falls on the 'Heathers' scale..."

House: "When have teachers ever known how to motivate their students?"

House: "Why don't you hang out in the video store and tell everyone Kevin Spacey's Keyser Soze? And by the way, that ending really made no sense at all."

House: "Have you checked the prices for Fireman strippers recently?"

House: "If I wanted gifts, I'd just look deeply into my patients' eyes and act like you. 'I'm so sorry you're dying, Mrs. Moron. Of course I'll sleep with you. What I lack in skill, I make up for in --"

House: "I'm physically incapable of being polite."

House: "Oh, I get it... you're trying to get me to prove you wrong, and then I'll be nice to all my patients this whole holiday season and then Mr. Potter won't steal Tiny Tim's porridge."

Painless (5.12)

House: "Either I need a new watch, or Mowgli's cutting into your beauty sleep."

House: "Proving that you're a better mom than a homeless drug addict."

Cuddy: "House, I've got a DCFS home visit on Friday."
House: "And I've got a W-H-O-R-E visit on..."

House: "This is the favor? I was expecting something involving whipped cream and tongue depressors."

House: "Gotta let the phone ring more than four times when you're calling a cripple."

House: "No rush; already bathed once this week, wouldn't want to look elitist."

House: "Yeah, because I'm clearly a guy who likes to knock out a few naked pull-ups before I greet the day."

House: "Scent of a man. I realize you've never experienced it sober."

House: "You want a man to put his finger there, gonna have to marry him first."

House: "He's had multiple EEG's; all cleaner and squeakier than Cuddy's rubber nipples."

House: "Foreteen's right."

House: "Come on, you're from one of the twelve tribes, you must know a ton of shysters."

House: "Guy's taken the finest opiates Blue Cross can buy, how come they didn't trigger a placebo effect?"

House: "His idiot son distracted the orderlies so daddy deathwish could down a bottle of isopropyl."

Taub: "Assuming you're right."
House: "Yes, I find it confusing to assume otherwise."

House: "And if I really wanted to torture the patient, I'd manipulate a clinical trial in the hopes that he'd sleep with you."

House: "I think you got her in it because of your usual messiah complex. I think you messed with the appointment schedule because of your I-like-to-have-sex complex."

Big Baby (5.13)

House: "You exercise your new found power; I squirm under your thumb; resent the student becoming the teacher - then push comes to shove and we all realize what our real roles should be. And then you put out."

House: "It's not an opinion, it's a smoke screen. Throw out a lame idea rather than agree with Foreman's better idea because you're worried that would confirm that he's boldly gone where no man has gone before."

House: "So now you're agreeing? Either you broke up, or you folded because I gave you crap, or you actually agree."

House: "Must be somebody's job to keep me from being reckless and irresponsible."

House: "And just because I call him nobody, doesn't make me a racist."

House: "...I need oral sex. It makes medical sense."

House: "Figured if I asked for something really crazy she'd shoot me down, get the 'I can control House' thing out of her perky little system so the next time I went to her with something only marginally crazy, it would seem marginally reasonable and she'd say 'yes.'"

House: "Who has to go pee in the middle of a nuclear procedure?"

House: "People don't die from peeing."

House: "Please tell her that talking will ruin the test."

House: "I never said her freaky personality's a symptom."

House: "The brain's like the internet; packets of information constantly flowing from one area to another. Plaque in her brain from MS is like a bad server; cuts off the flow."

House: "We could settle this with rock, paper, scissors. But, unfortunately, there are people who adjudicate these disputes."

House: "I'm the last person you'd ever come to for ethical advice, which means you've already asked every other person. No one's given you the answer you want."

House: "Has she invited any of her lesbian friends into bed with you?"

House: "Cuddy's gonna love you. The patient on the other hand is gonna hate you until the day she dies next week. Actually that idiot'll probably forgive you."

House: "Can't give you the proof you want because it's trapped in her head, and the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out. Which is apparently the one test you won't let me run. So either I do this or I do nothing."

House: "I'm skipping steps because our patient is skipping steps on her way to being dead."

House: "If this doesn't work, her spleen is all yours. Unless I kill her of course."

House: "My old boss. And by 'old' I don't mean 'former."

House: "Our patient loves all things annoying."

House: "She's the earth mother, takes in the rejects and freaks of humanity and tells them they're A-okay. What was different?"

House: "If I threw up on you, you'd be pissed."

Unfaithful (5.14)

House: If she invited you to a ceremonial lynching, would you go?
Wilson: It would depend on what she was serving.

House: "Why do you think the elevators would be out to get me?"

House: "Just practicing for my clown college audition."

House: "Get a piece of her lung and stick it under a black light. If it glows, the sick children who need her souffle can breathe easier."

House: "I'm happy for you. Love so deep you're ready to chuck your medical license to give her powerful, unproven drugs with dangerous side effects. I don't want to make assumptions about your feelings for me...but I do have a birthday coming up."

House: "Oh thank you, RationalizationMan, you've saved the village."

House: "You don't need your coat to treat a tumor."

House: "By all means, let's discuss the failed attempts to contact me, not the reason behind them."

House: "Shocks without shock, an itch that won't stop. She needs Dr. Seuss."

House: "Ebony and Ivory are joined at the hip."

House: "You broke the rules; your girlfriend went blind. When you gamble, you have to consider losing as one of the possibilities."

House: "So you did it because you love her -- but ironically, you never took her into consideration. I can't wait to see what you get her for your anniversary."

House: "Ah the irony; maybe she wouldn't be sick at all if some other lazy cancer researcher hadn't gone home early."

House: "I thought I'd never see you again, little little Greg. You heard me right."

House: "Yesterday you hate me, today you're crying on my shoulder; I can only assume that what I'm hearing is your Aunt Flow telling me that..."

House: "Yes ladies, I am blaming her period. Granted, it's the worst period ever -- but frankly, not by all that much."

House: "In the meantime, get her a pint of cookie-dough ice cream and a DVD of 'Beaches.'"

House: "You really had no choice. On account of being an idiot."

House: "It's a locker room, how else are they gonna learn?"